Hello
good people.
Trust
we found last week's discussion helpful.
Today,
we have a question here from one of our readers. She has been so
worried and full of questions in her heart. Her story is shared
below:
Jane
and Kingsley have been married for about 7 years with 2 beautiful
children. They met at a friend's wedding and became friends. Before
long they started courting and got married 3 years later. The first
few years of their marriage was rosy and Kingsley was able to provide
all the needs at home even though Jane was also earning well in her
organization.
Three
years into the marriage, Kingsley's office was downsizing and he was
affected even though the pay off was substantial. He started
searching for another job but could not get any in about 2 years and
his account was beginning to grow lean. At this time he had become
irritable that he would lose his temper at the slightest provocation.
They began to drift apart and he was no longer as lively as he used
to be. In short, he had become frustrated.
Things
became so tight for him, as he soon was owing some people including
the landlord who had called them to remind them of their rent
renewal. In a bid to salvage the situation, she did a transfer to the
landlord's account and bought other things that were needed at home.
This
didn't go down well with him, as he began to complain that his wife
was being arrogant to have settled the house rent without his
consent.
Dear
People, was she wrong to have saved the family from embarrassment?
If yes, where did she miss it? The liveliness she thought would
return to the home front is now missing more than ever before. Please
share thought and lend her a word of advice.
There
are many angles to today's story, but more importantly, we will be
discussing it in the light of communication.
Communication
is very important in every relationship including marriage. It is
very important for couples to share their thoughts and feelings so
that there could be a good understanding between them. Where there is
no good understanding, communication breakdown and misinterpretation
of actions are not far fetched. Pastor
Bimbo Odukoya of blessed memory said that anything that will cause
you to stop talking to your spouse will destroy your relationship. Therefore, good communication is the bedrock of a successful relationship, moreso in marriage.
You
will agree with me that men and women are wired differently, so they
communicate differently. Women generally love to talk, while men
don't usually have constant need to share their thoughts; they listen
more. If the parties in the relationship understand this, there will
be less friction.
A
lot of wives complain that their husbands don't talk to them. This is
probably because they don't listen when the men talk, instead they
are also talking. But because the men are of few words naturally,
they tend to withdraw into their shells when it appears the women are
taken over 'their' discourse. As women, we need to cultivate the
habit of listening to our husbands when they talk to enable us
understand them and to get them to talk more.
The
make-up of the man makes him put on his problem-solving cap as soon
as his lady starts to talk. He takes the woman's gist as an
invitation to resolve the challenge at hand – this is not always
the case.
For
instance, I was sharing how stressful my day was with a male friend
yesterday and how it was burdensome to drive home through the
traffic, the next question I heard was “Don't you think you need a
driver?”
Hellooooooooo,
I was only sharing, I wasn't looking for a solution because it wasn't
even a problem. Another of my male friend would say, “why are you
telling me when you are not looking for solution?”
Personally,
I think the men should do less of “fixing” of the women's
problem. Many a times, we only need shoulders to lean on, not problem
fixers.
This
is one of the reason John Gray said Men are from the Mars and Women
are from Venus.
Have been listening less and talking more or are you always eager to fix 'it'?
Until next time when we meet, remember, Wisdom is the principal thing, by which a house is built.
8 comments:
I think Jane was wrong by transferring the house rent to the landlord directly. Yes she wanted to save the husband from shame, but I feel it would have been more appropriate for her to transfer it to the husband who has always done so to settle the landlord except if there have been records of financial wrecklessness on his part.
Moderator. Don't mind this our men jore. They want to fix everything.are they handymannny? Like you said women sometimes just want to let out not looking for solution.
Thanks and God bless.
I think the lady was wrong in not discussing her intentions with the husband before going ahead. In an ideal situation, it would have been more proper to allow the husband handle the transaction (except when there are doubts on the man's integrity / sincerity).
The wife ought to have discussed it with her husband because of so many reasons and especially because of his ego, it's natural to all men, so as not to feel slighted.
Communication is very vital to any relationship that will last the test of time. Also i think women should also understand when a man proffers a solution to problems discussed or raised. The man is more of a logical being, though both parties should always try to find a common ground by stating or implying exactly what outcome is being expected from the discussion.
I guess the interest of the landlord is that the rent due was paid by the family. I also think the husband should have seen this only in that perspective but for his ego. Me in that posiion would add to my wife's "rank" immediately.
Quite frankly, most men got dilusioned about this "head of the family syndrome." In my opinion, "Ki okunrin ri Ejo, ki Obinrin pa, K'ejo sa a ti ku." (the man spotted a snake, but woman killed the snake)
However, a very submissive wife could have still made the money available to the husband to settle the rent especially if the tradition is that the husband pays.
Meanwhile the 2 male friends in your example even tried, mine would instantly ask you to drop your car and go by BRT if driving is becoming a challenge for you.
It is neither here nor there.
Either of the family member could pay a rent due if indeed "we" imbibed the culture of two becoming one in marriage. So, i don't see how a man would become so distubed that his other half concluded a transaction on behalf of the family.
What better notice would the husband have wanted from the wife than the ticket from the landlord confirming payment of the rent due.
That guy should thank his stars, Sister Onome that i know would do otherwise.
Chikenna!
The man felt slighted by the way the offer was given - his ego was bruised. The wife wasn't wrong to have paid the rent, afterall, they would have been thrown out if the situation had called for that, but I think she should have discussed with the husband.
That said, women hardly listen when you talk to them, and if they do, they don't understand. I will advise they learn to understand their men.
I guessed the man must have been taken aback by the wife's action. Honestly I personally do not see much wrong about the wife's gesture. The man should just come down from his high horse and dialogue with his wife. The rent owed has been paid by the family, that's key.
However, the wife can do better, going forward.
Most men could be terrible when their authority or status at the home front is threatened.
Only God would save these Nigeria men with ego o. See this one that didn't have the means to pay the rent due, now the wife paid, he is raising dust. "Se ti rice ba n pa'kuta, enu Oniba'ara lo ye ka ti gbo bi?" (Should a beggar complained a bow rice served him has particles." I do not think so because the particules are indeed part of the rice for him.
Jane is definitely not a Lagosian or might not have taken tutorial from Lagos mamas. He is lucky.
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