Hello good people,
Trust we are doing great.
One of the causes of marital problems is the couple's inability to make each other happy. The way to make each other happy is to know and give what each other needs according to how important it is to them. In other words, meeting the need of a spouse will reduce if not totally eliminate marital conflicts. Couples are not making each other happy not because it is intentional but it is due to simple ignorance of each other's needs. The bible says my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.
It is an established fact that the needs of men are different from women because of the difference in the way we are wired. What matters to men are not necessarily of high value to women and vice versa. When these needs are not met, either party becomes vulnerable to the temptation of an affair.
In order for us to make each other happy, husband and wife must meet the needs that are important to the other, failure of which could generate hurts, hatred, bitterness, resentment and ultimately extra marital affair.
Having established that the way to make each other happy is to meet other's needs, let us examine those needs in order of preference to both gender.
He needs sex: Men often have greater need for sex compared to women. Most place sexual fulfillment above any other of their needs. They have a very strong sexual drive and they appreciate any woman who can be in sync with them in this regard.Only God knows what it is with sex and them. He needs sex when he is ill or healthy, broke or buoyant, whether he has eaten or not - you know, just at any given opportunity.
She needs affection: I am yet to find a woman who doesn't like affection, who doesn't like to be pampered. To us a Affection symbolizes security, comfort and approval. I tell you, we cannot get enough of affection. We need you to affirm your love to us. Please don't say " but she should know now, if not she would not have been in my house". Yes we know, but we need affirmation.
Not many of our husbands do this or know how to. Those seemingly little things are what we appreciate.
A hug is about the simplest way to show affection, most of us love to hug and be hugged. Not that we open our arms wide to any and everybody, but it's one things that speaks volume to a lot of us. Some men only hug / kiss their wife's when it's time for "transaction", Haba!
A little note that expresses simple love message under our pillow or stuck to our handbags or phones or just any conspicuous place for us to read is another way we know our husbands love us. Try one thing, stick a love note on the fridge for example and see the reaction of the woman when she finds it. You will be amazed to see how much she grins while reading the note.
Also when we are remembered on our special days like birthday or anniversary, we feel loved. Hardly will you see any woman who will not be happy when she wakes up on her birthday morning to see appropriate cards, gifts(not necessarily expensive) and so on. Not like the guy who gave his wife a birthday card on their wedding anniversary. Hey, the truth be told, some guys don't even remember their birthdays, let alone someone else's. A friend of mine said that she will not forgive her friends should they forget her birthday let alone her husband.
A date is also not bad. Maybe to a cinema, park or any public place where we can talk and hold hands as we go. Ehen guys, don't tell me you can't hold your wife outside ooo, because if you are ashamed of us in public, we may also be ashamed of you at home. Got what I mean?
Hnmm, how about putting a call through to us in the course of the day. Yes, we understand you are busy making money for us, but if you have time for lunch or the loo, it should not be a problem to put a call thru to your better half. It's absurd for a man to go to work the whole day without a simple "how are you" call.
When some or all of these are not there and you come for transaction, you are likely going to get a NO from us, because at that point, we will be feeling used as affection sets the environment for transaction.
He needs a recreational companion: As women love to go on a date with their husbands, so do men love to spend their leisure time with their wives. There is a kind of pleasure men gets when they watch football matches or play car racing on PlayStations with their wives, it creates an avenue for bonding, talking and what have you.
Ladies, don't ask "what is my own with football? You have so much to do with it ooo, because it is his area of interest and you were likely joining him for those activities during courtship. Marriage should not be a barrier to those stuff rather it should be an enhancer .The likelihood that he will get attracted to someone that has interest in the same sporting activities are high and I bet you don't want to allow him find another company as he goes for his recreational activities.
She needs conversation: Most women value conversation. We love to talk and be talked to, we want to discuss any and every thing. However, we do not appreciate any man who will spend the entire time discussing his achievement or issues. We are happy when we get verbal attention and we also give same to our spouses. We generally want to be with someone who we perceive is caring and we can talk to.
Apart from being one of the needs of the female folks, it also helps us to communicate our needs and also to meet other people's needs.
When this need is not met, we tend to withdraw and look for someone else who can fill in the gap. This though can be dangerous especially if we find another man who can give us this verbal attention.
Much said already, even though there are still some more which I'm hopeful we will conclude by next week. But before then, What can you spouse do to you that will make you the happiest person?
Remember , a house is built by wisdom and established by understanding.
6 comments:
Hello peeps...
Good to be back,
Yea...communication is key in a marriage but I still think that communication is not complete without a positive feedback.
Time and Energy is another major boaster to communication. Good communication also requires an active effort. If one partner dominates – i.e., does all the talking, offers all the ideas, and has most or all of the control or influence – this effort can only be one-sided and kill the whole communication process
Both of you must be involved in the process.
To work towards this full involvement you should:
◾Take full responsibility for the dialogue;
◾Put your energy into the exchange;
◾Make a commitment to seeing the process through;
◾Express your thoughts and feelings fully and encourage your partner to do the same; and
◾Resolve misunderstandings by asking questions and seeking clarifications rather than by getting angry.
By putting this energy into communication, you will make a statement to your partner about your commitment and responsibility. It will demonstrate that the relationship is important to you and that you are willing to involve yourself fully in this act of communication.
Intimate communication may not be worth the effort without love. Love is critical to the relationship. Yet alone it is not enough.
If there is love, however, and if the relationship is important to you then you must focus on communication. Only through good, true communication can you realize the joy of love. Good communication makes love possible, certainly makes it better, and ultimately their standard of living.
Remain Bless....
A lot of us think that once we marry our spouses, we have gotten them ,we don't need to do any extra thing to keep the fire burning, especially among our born-again Christian setup, This is one big mistake that can lead to pain and agony. Yes, we know that divorce is not allowed in Christendom but we are quick to forget that an unhappy spouse may seek a way to make him or herself happy else where. So even though unmet needs may not out rightly lead to divorce, it may give birth to affairs.
For me, affection, admiration. Anytime my hubby tells me how nice I look in any of my dresses, I get 'swollen headed', I get so happy and gingered for the day. No matter the number of people that may eventually tell me in the course of the day, I don't get carried away because I have heard it from the source. Imagine if he doesn't do that and I have someone else who can readily tell me , the probability of pitching my tent with him is high. Mind you, no one sets out for an affair, it begins with friendship and graduates.
Also, I wrap my head around a husband / fiancé who will not remember my birthday, after a 365 day notice.
To answer the question by the moderator, loads of affection will keep me happy all day long.
Thanks
Thank you so much for this post, quite interesting and so much to pick and imbibe. May the Lord God increase you in wisdom.
So sad that a lot of us sees marriages as a place/time to do the direct opposite of what we were when we were unmarried. We dont care for our spouse, we are less concern about the other person's feelings/needs and most disturbing trend these days among women is the tendency to be "more Catholic than the Pope" when it comes to spiritual matters.
I know a woman who unknowingly lost her husband to an outsider just by becoming more religious. The couple are Christians, sometimes in 2013 the woman decided she would prefer a praying church and changed her place of worship. In a little above 13 months she became a Deacon. The grouse of the husband is that his wife now became a prayer warrior that she could go on a fast for 270 days out of the 365 days of the year. Most important to note is that the fasting comes with bank holidays, all shops would be shut, no POS, no ATM, no Internet Banking, in short no transaction will take place. This became unbearable for the man to bear, the man succumbed to pleasure elsewhere and the rest is history.
Once again, thank you for this post, let those who have eyes read and take heed.
Very nice writ up, informative and worthy of practice by couples who desire to have a blissful relationship.
Couples understanding each other and meeting one another's need most of the time will have a long-lasting enjoyable union.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Meeting the needs of the spouse and meeting the needs of the family. This indeed can be a very daunting task but with sincerity, openness and honesty of purpose backed by wisdom and grace from the heavens, all things can really work for our good.
I thank the moderator for a good job of stating only the needs and not wants in the post because it would appear that a lot of us who are in the marriage business are more or less battling with meeting the wants rather than the needs of our spouses.
In the past we hear a financial sharing formula of 80/20 between a male spouses and the female spouses, not saying there were no 100/0 or 90/10. however, i doubt if what we have today isn't 50/50 or at the best 60/40. We have suddenly adopted a "creative marriage" in our domain, seeing the end from the very begining.
Life usually is easier between family that sticks together who made sincerity, honesty and openness their watch pillar and the thrust of their relationships. I have come to realised that a man/husband gets the best of a woman when the woman knows her man is caring, loving, sincere, consideate, honest, respectful and resourceful. Not necessarily looking for the saints among the sinners. I would not think these are difficult to have in a man and also in a woman of our generation.
Above all, we should all be reasonable and diligent in our expectations of the other party.
Thank you Abiola.
The institution called marriage na wah o!
Can we really always meets the needs of our spouse in the sense of it?
Is there a man or woman who has everthing that could make the other partner completely happy and satisfied? We just might be looking out for a super human here. There is a Yoruba proverb that says "Agbara ko le Oko to ti ku" Sorry, i can't translate this.
However, meeting needs of a spouse is very deep, it is never a one-off task, it is not limited to all that were mentioned in the post. It continues for as long as the two partners remain alive. I wish we all would learn from this post.
This is a very informative and instucive submission.
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